It’s that special time of year again 😒

Next month it will be four years from when my life changed. I always feel pretty awful when September approaches and this year I thought that it would get better. But now that September is looming, I am starting the feel awful again. In my previous life I was lucky to have not too much going on that I would look back and be sad or troubled. I have been told that over time it would get better and I was hopeful that this would be the case. I have been told to plan to make the month of September a special. Last year despite everything I did do this. I can remember all the good things I did last year but the two bad September’s still drown these out. It is so frustrating, I am lucky that I see a wonderful counsellor who does understand that this is a bad time of year and we can talk about it. But it doesn’t make the bad memories go away. I guess it is human nature to think ‘this time last year this was happening’ but I am still stuck three/four years ago. I think more of the first anniversary year as this is what I remember the most as I wasn’t really with it in the first year. After the first year you realise that everything won’t get back to normal like they said it would. I have spoken to several people who have also got to one year in and the is the realisation that everything if different now. I guess I must remember what happened to me was pretty major it will probably take a long time to really understand. I have been meaning to do a post around understanding and acceptance but I really need to be there to write about it. I think I am getting there slowly. I think you really need to understand what you are going through and then you can accept the new you. I guess the problem with me is that I seem to focus on on the bad things that have happened to me and the challenges that I face. There have been some horrible things but there have also been some great things. Somebody recently asked me to write a list of all the good things that have happened over the last few years. Of course I use my bad memory as an excuse not to do this. I guess I think that I should be able to sit down and write a list. I know that I can’t do this just I don’t try. Perhaps I just need to write things down when I remember them. Not put myself under pressure to do it. But I still just think that I should be able to do this and that there must be something wrong with me to struggle to do it. But I guess I do have to think that there is something wrong with me, I have a brain injury. I think a while back that it is an invisible disability and it often it is invisible even to me. Then of course I get back to thinking what happened to me and my journey to where I am now, all the ups and downs. I was hoping that this year would be different and I would stop thinking of all the downs. Perhaps they are ingrained into me now and there is no way of forgetting them. Well here’s fingers crossed for next year. 🤞