Well it the time of year that I really hate again. Three years ago this time was awful and life changing, two years ago it was equally awful and life changing as well. I guess I should focus on last year which I did dread was actually OK. The whole time I just felt so anxious just waiting for something awful to happen again. This made it not so nice. But nothing happened last year so this year should be better but as it has been approaching I have still been feeling anxious. I guess this year has just been a year of anxiety not just for me but for everyone. This does really help me though as now I feel that everyone truly understands how I have been feeling for the last three years. I hear the phrases thrown around such as new normal and life changing and I think to myself yes I know this first hand. Of course I don’t truly wish that people will have these experiences as they are awful. I feel that if I can find out what really happened to me two/three years ago it would make this time of the year much easier for me to cope with. I realise that I have experienced the most awful thing that could happen to a person, I won’t say what it is but you can guess. People say it is lucky that you don’t remember but I do want to remember! I have recently got my hospital records from three years ago to try and piece together what happened. I realise that this is probably not the best time of year to read them so I have but them in a folder and look at them properly in a couple of months. It is 150 pages long so it may take a while but I think I am ready for it. It is quite exciting! I feel that this year it will be a little more easier to get through this time of year. I suppose I should focus on all the good things that have happened over the last three years and not remember the bad things, but they were quite bad and are hard to forget. This year I am looking at September as being a month to have fun. Of course this has been curtailed a bit because of lockdown but I have some good things planed that I am looking forward to. I do know that anything can happen to you at any time of the year. I hear some people who have had a life or death experience that they embrace each day as every day is a bonus….and it is. 😁

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