Bravery, courage and determination

This post will follow on from my last one. I haven’t read it so I may repeat myself but I feel that I have a lot still to say. The words at the top of the page are words that were used to describe my recovery, not sure what bit but I guess all of it. I don’t want to use these words to big myself up because when I look at them I really can’t relate them at all. I don’t don’t feel that I have shown any of them. It goes back I think to not really understanding what an awful thing I went through. Again, I feel detached from it all, but I want to feel attached to it. I am sure that watching my recovery has been a good thing as I have come a long way. I have been told that my future was unsure but to me the future is just what I thought it would me. You see I don’t remember the bad and really bad times, to me I have been fine all the time. I am not sure if anything could of been done at the time when I was first recovering, if more people could of seen me, people who possibly could of told me at the time how well I was getting on. I can only go back to the fact that for most of the last three years I just don’t understand what the fuss has all been about. I know it has been bad for many people but I can’t really apologise as I didn’t get ill on purpose, there was nothing I could of done differently and perhaps that is why I find it hard to just believe it. I mean it was such a big event and how could it of happened if I don’t remember it. Everyone that I ask about it just say that they can’t remember but I don’t think I would forget. You see all the time pictures in hospital, people very ill but I don’t have anything. My family are not ones for taking photos normally but I think having some pictures would really help me understand what happened. I am not sure what it means psychologically but sometimes I feel that I would like to be ill again just to understand what it feels like. Fingers cross this won’t happen. I think that being able to write about these things now and having a good chat with my counsellor at the weekend shows that slowly I am getting to a point where the understanding is happening. Perhaps I am finally getting to the point where I am beginning to accept the person that I am now. I do like the person that I am now but I am not sure how I got here. I have told it took bravery, courage and determination!