I need to understand

I have been wanting to write about this for a long time but I guess it is I really needed to get to a point when I could understand it fully. I think I am finally getting there. My life changed for me about three and a half years ago and it has taken all this time for me to fully understand and accept what happened to me. I say fully understand but I don’t think that I will get to that point but I have been piecing things together and it is becoming easier. You are probably thinking what does she need to understand and I need to understand everything that happened to me when I was ill. I know it sounds strange but I just really need to know. People have said to me you really don’t want to know as it was not nice but I really want to know. It would help me get to the place where I understand and then help me accept who I am now. Acceptance only comes from understanding. I am going to drone on for a bit now about what I don’t understand….When you wake up with a brain injury you really don’t know what is going on and why you are in the hospital. The problem with me is that I really can’t remember the event that put me there and people really didn’t want to explain to me what happened. I have a month in my life where I just have no memory. I understand now why this is the case but it doesn’t make it any easier as I just want to ‘experience’ it. I need a time machine that takes me back to September 2017 to relive it. I could just watch it happening, it would really help me to understand. I know that most don’t really understand and I don’t expect them to. The problem came from my family as they really didn’t really want to tell me what happened and how awful it was. About six months after it happened I was looking through some old sent emails and I found one that my Mum had sent a friend which said that I was in hospital which said I was in a coma and on a life support machine, and that they had to restart my heart eight times. When I read it I didn’t understand what I was reading as she was writing something about me that I just didn’t know. Even now I write this it feels like writing about someone else. It was so unbelievable. I have learnt that a large part of recovering from a brain injury is acceptance, excepting the new person you have become. But this is so hard if you just can’t understand how you got to be that person. I have a lot to say about acceptance as well but I think this will be another post. I know I am progressing as last year I don’t think I would of been able to think about this. I still find it difficult believing what happened but I need to believe it as it is true. People say you need to move on and I will but I think I am just still a while away from that.