Dying is the easy bit

I worried about the title for this blog post as I didn’t want to worry anyone – I’m fine. I read this quote that someone on a cardiac arrest website had written and it just hit me as it is so true. The full quote is ‘Dying is the easy bit – surviving is infinitely harder‘. It is not the survival when you are in the hospital, which of course is hard, but it is when you come out, and into your ‘normal’ life again. I was so lucky as I had access to a great team of people who helped me in my first year of recovery. When that ended I just felt on my own. I look the same but I am not the same. It took me a year to realise that I was a different person now and having to cope with this is so hard. In the last week I have been trying to sort a few things that a couple of years ago would of been so easy for me to do but now I just can’t seem to do it. That just makes me feel like I am a failure. I say a lot of the time that I feel like a new starter, am I a new starter in my life? I don’t know what I am doing and it feels stupid to ask ‘stupid’ questions about things. When I asked my Mum to help me with something the other day even she said, ‘you know this, it is common sense’. That was really horrible as I just didn’t know. She is the person who understands me the most and it really hurt when she said it. Dying is definitely the easy bit, but I have decided to survive.