For the last year I have been really trying to find out what happened to me on the night I had my cardiac arrest and the month following. It is harder than you would think. People seem reluctant to open up to me and to just tell me. They just say that you don’t really want to know but I think it will help me to accept just what happened. I have been told several times that I am doing really well, you have made such good progress and that your recovery has been amazing. This is nice to hear but hard to understand. Someone recently said to me that my bravery, courage and determination should be celebrated. That meant so much to me but I don’t feel brave or courageous. When I realised I was in hospital I didn’t feel unwell. My only determination was that I wanted to get out of hospital as there was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t know how ill I was I just wanted to get home. I feel like a bit of a fake, you shouldn’t think that my recovery has been amazing as my only determination was to just get back to ‘normal’ life. I haven’t been able to do that so I feel like a bit of a failure. People who I know who read this will probably disagree with this. How can I be amazed by how I am now as it just doesn’t feel amazing. Of course I don”t believe that people are misleading me but when they talk about what happened it feels like they are talking about a different person. I’m really not amazing.

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