I have been thinking a lot in the last week that my illness and what happened to me three years ago is unbelievable to me. I guess it was unbelievable to people who know me at the time it happened and it must of been really scary for people who know me but not for me as I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t an ultra healthy person but I have never been overweight and did not eat unhealthy food. I remember being told what had happened to me when I was in hospital but I don’t think I really understood it or believed it was true. I have recently look through my hospital records for that time and when I look at them I can’t seem to relate them to me. There is a disconnect there. Reading about how I was at this time is just unbelievable but I think it is helping me to understand and accept it. There is one important thing that I have found out reading the notes but I still don’t relate it to myself. I hope to write about it sometime. I need a time machine to take me back to that point in time to be able to experience it again, be an out of body observer. When people talk about having a heart attack they can talk about how they felt and how it was treated. But I have nothing. The other night I was thinking about all the awful things that can happen to people all around the world. Then I stopped and though to myself, something really awful happened to me! And I survived it. People say that my recovery has been courageous and strong but I just don’t see this. I don’t feel that I have done anything special. Perhaps is I really think about it I will realise what I have done. I think that now I am three years in. I feel the need to think about these things to try and make sense in my head. Of course I can’t go back but I think I could begin to except and understand what happened. But it is unbelievable, how could something like this happen to me? There is nothing that I could of done to prevent it and nothing to prevent is happening again. It does help me to have a place to write all my weird thoughts and get it out of my head, overwise I think it would explode!